Matt Watson

Epic corporate jargon alternatives

Matt Watson

I’m working on a list of corporate jargon alternatives. There are already plenty of resources telling you what you should be saying instead, such as “soon” for “ASAP” or “waiting” for “holding pattern” and the like. But they usually lack that flair of ostentation we have come to be accustomed to. Therefore, I had the idea of coming up with equally swanky alternatives from English of a bygone era. Below is a smattering of words found in the original Webster’s dictionary, some Biblical language, and any other random old-sounding expression I could think of.

Abundance of caution -> Circumspection

Out of an abundance of caution, we have ordered all facilities to remain closed until further notice.

In the spirit of due circumspection, we do hereby order that all premises be shut till we give word to the contrary.

ASAP -> Betimes

I will get that to you ASAP.

I will give it thee betimes.

Brain dump -> Exposition

Let’s meet in the conference room for a brain dump.

Let us meet in the conference room for a full exposition.

Change agent -> Efficient cause

Leadership requires being a change agent.

A great leader is the efficient cause of many things.

Circle back -> Bring word again

I will check on that and circle back with you.

I will investigate the matter and bring thee word again.

Holding pattern -> Keeping watch

We’re in a holding pattern until we hear from accounts receivable.

We are keeping watch till accounts receivable give answer.

Hypothetically -> Put the case

Hypothetically, our assets are available 24/7.

Put the case that our assets are available all the day long.

Lean in -> Assiduously apply

We need to lean in to modern solutions.

We must assiduously apply modern solutions.

Married to -> Fettered

We’re not married to that idea.

We are fettered not by that proposal.

New normal -> New state of affairs

This is our new normal.

Of such is our new state of affairs.

Open communication -> Regular intercourse

Open communication is the key to success.

Regular intercourse is the key to success.

Pivot -> Repent

Our ability to pivot will be critical.

Lest we repent this foregone plan, we shall meet ruin.

Streamlined -> Simplified

We streamlined all our processes for maximum profitability.

We simplified our business unto greater profits.