Matt Watson

We should bring back… liquid sweetener

Matt Watson

They say aspartame can kill us. I’ve always loved the blue packet myself, especially after I came down with diabetes in the summer of 2010. That was the same summer my Grandma, who lived with us, was cooking pound cake every day in a feverish attempt to see if she could reconstruct an old recipe she had lost. I ate pound cake for breakfast every day for two months and got diabetes in the fall. That sweet tooth can be a bitch sometimes. However, I can now say I’ve tasted about every artificial sweetener there is, and I proclaim that the best one is probably … [drum roll] …

That’s right! Liquid saccharin! The powdery saccharin, aka Sweet’N Low, can be kind of gross, but the liquid version pictured above is awesome. Truth be told, I have not had it since I was a kid . I have sweet memories, though, of licking the saccharin off the lid and practically drinking the stuff straight. It dissolves better in cold drink than any powder ever could. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find these days, and I am slightly inclined to think that the reason for this is all the distrust and conspiracy theories going around about artificial sweeteners. In other words, if the packets in restaurants might be give us cancer when we’re 75, then drinking the stuff in liquid form should surely kill us on the spot.

I don’t know about all the conspiracies, but I will say, I’m still alive. And it is hard for me to believe artificial sweetener is somehow more of a risk than eating insane amounts of sugar daily, which is pretty much what everyone who’s not diabetic does. I’m reminded of the time someone told me my blood sugar was high because of drinking diet drinks. When I pointed out that diet drinks had no sugar, this someone responded, “Yeah… That’s what they say.” At the time, I just thought this was an ignorant person ignoring facts, but I soon realized their theory was just a slightly more insane form of the Doctrine of Sophisticated People on Facebook that says that diet drinks can give you diabetes and/or raise your blood sugar. I’ve had people swear to me I’d be better off drinking regular, sugary sodas. I know they are wrong, because I have tried it. Objectively, sugary drinks have made my blood sugar rise more than non-sugary ones with artificial sweetener. I know, I should have been a scientist.

So ignore the warnings. Drink liquid sweetener and enjoy, if you can still find any.

June 8, 2015, Byram, Miss.